Justin and I went to one of our favorite restaurants last Thursday and as I was looking at the menu, I saw a drink that had your name written all over it. Instinctively I said,, "Oh my gosh, the frozen Red Bull Vodka slush sounds like Philip's dream come true!" For a second, I forgot. For a second, I thought about how I couldn't wait for you to come visit so you could try it. For a second, things were normal.
The second year of grief is so different than the first. I feel like everyday it becomes more and more "real" and you seem to slip further away. For as many classes as I've taken on grief and death, you'd think I'd know how to handle it by now. Heck, I got an A on my funeral and obituary! But no, this is so vastly different.
As I was driving back to my house the other day, a familiar song came on the radio. It's one of the songs that was played before your funeral. Though I've known this song for as long as I can remember and it's not usually associated with death, it does speak to being separated from the ones you love.
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there 'til the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh I'm already there
Oh I'm already there
I needed those words that day but to be honest, I needed you more. You are so good at reminding me that you're "with" us, but I wish you could REALLY be with us.
So that's where I am today. I wish I could take you to Backporch Drafthouse and buy you that drink. I wish you being "far away" meant that you were on base or even deployed, not gone. I wish I didn't have to just tell Justin about you, I wish you could finally meet him.
I know it won't always be like this, but for right now I just really miss you and my 'Baby Cousin' playlist isn't quite cutting it on tonight's drive. Come back soon okay?
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