If I Had Known

December 27th, 2014. That was the last day I saw you. I remember every detail like it was yesterday. We met for lunch at Darrell's with Mat and one of his buddies. We ordered almost the exact same thing - Darrell's Special with jalepeno kettle chips - except I got Diet Coke & you got sweet tea. I remember being really surprised that you didn't order a beer and you said, "I'm trying to be responsible and healthy and cut down." They were super busy and I beat y'all by like 15 minutes because Mat was taking forever in the shower (sorry Mat, Phil's words not mine). We sat at a tall table near the back and talked about all sorts of stuff - me being ready to finish school, you deciding what to do after you finished your time with the Marines... We talked about how it was sometimes weird  to come back to Lake Chuck. I told you that I still had a few friends here but a lot of them had moved and the person I actually hung out with the most when I was home was you so you needed to move back once you got out of the Marines so I would always have someone to hangout with when I came home. You told me I needed to move back period. 

We talked about how we each had new cars - you had bought a Chevy Cruz and I now had Mom's Explorer after totalling my beloved Saturn. I was so blown away by the fact that you had such a sensible and responsible car - not to mention that you bought it yourself. About two seconds into me feeling totally irresponsible in comparison to you, you told me you wanted to sell your car and buy a motorcycle AND THE UNIVERSE HAD RETURNED TO ITS NATURAL BALANCE! I told you that was a terrible idea and that you should wait to do that AFTER you got back from your next deployment. You weren't thrilled with my less than enthusiastic response, but you understood where I was coming from. 

Eventually it was time to go home and as we were paying for our checks, you were in line in front of me and I thought, "Man I should pick up Philip's tab... Eh he's already cashing out... I'll do it next time." 

Next time.

We went to the parking lot and I said, "Hey I want to see your car!" and you walked over to your big kid car and showed her (him?) off. I gave you one of those awkward "OMG MOM PLEASE STOP" type of hugs (you know, where one person bear hugs/squeezes the other from the side and the other stands there like a statue looking reeaaaaally embarrassed and uncomfortable) and told you again how proud I was of you and how much you were growing up. I drove back home thinking about how grateful I was to be your friend and felt like of all my extended family members, you had always been the one I was closest too. I thought back to us talking about if we would ever live in the same place again and decided that even if we didn't, my kids would know you and vice versa. I would make sure that when "we grew up" we would never be too busy to be a part of one another's life and that our families would be super close and that my kids would LOVE their Uncle Philip. 

But I didn't know that was the last time I'd see you. I didn't know I wouldn't be able to pick up your tab next time. I didn't know that we wouldn't "grow up" together or that you'd never become Uncle Philip. I knew us living in the same place again would be difficult, but now I know it's impossible. I didn't know you'd never meet my future husband (not engaged yet, just to be clear) or that you'd never buy that motorcycle after all. I didn't know the heartbreak we would all experience a month later. I didn't know this was our goodbye.

Honestly, I'm glad I didn't know. I'm glad it felt just like every other time we saw each other. I'm glad we were ourselves. 

It's been exactly one year since we've seen each other. I never thought we would go that long without seeing one another. I never thought I would read scripture at your funeral, share all these old stories about you, or listen to Lil Boozie just because I missed you so much.

If I had known, I would have paid for your lunch. I would have hugged you a lot tighter. I would have forced you to follow me to the gas station so I could fill up your tank and you could come up to Dallas and see Erica and Michael (and me again!!) like you'd originally planned. I would have opened up more about the things I had been going through over the past few months and vented about how stressed I actually was with school. I would have talked you into having that beer (or 6) so we could talk longer. I would have told you that you were the best cousin I could have asked for and that I loved you with all of my heart. 

There are so many things I would have done or said, but all of them seem mundane now - I'm just glad we had an open table that Saturday afternoon to eat, laugh, and enjoy those precious, rare moments when we were both home at the same time. 

I can't wait to see you again Phil.