During a ministry meeting, I was asked if I had any joys. This question came immediately after talking about losing Philip and the emotional toll that had taken on me. My immediate answer was that my joy was Philip.
There is no doubt that losing someone I love so dearly has been devastating, but as heart broken as I am, it is hard to not smile. When I look at all that Phil accomplished in his 21 years, I am left grinning from ear to ear – just like we picture Philip doing. When I look at the number of lives he’s touched, the pouring out of love from our community, and what he will be remembered for – smiling, joy, living life to it’s fullest, protecting those he loved, sacrificing himself before others, not worrying, chasing his dreams, building lifelong friendships, and most importantly being an incredible brother, son, nephew, grandson, and baby cousin – it is hard to feel sorrowful.
Going this long without talking to him has been weird. Looking down at my foot and seeing his handwriting permanently etched into my skin has been weird. Knowing I won’t see him when I go home has been weird. And even still, I am left with joy in heart.
I was also asked recently if I was mad at God. The truth is – no. I think by now I have been through enough that I’ve learned that God is not causing the bad things to happen, but instead God is the first one to cry with us and to wipe away our tears as we endure those things that bring us grief. To be honest I’m a little mad at Philip and am going to smack him upside his head when I get to Heaven (and then hug him as tight as I can of course), but that’s a different story. I’m not mad at God, I’m thankful. I’m thankful that I am a little older than Phil which means I have known him every second of his life and have watched him grow up from my adorable baby cousin, to my annoying medium sized cousin, to my handsome and brave full size cousin. I’m thankful that I never missed the chance to tell Philip how incredibly proud I was of him and that I ended every letter, every conversation, and every visit by saying that I loved him. I’m thankful that even when we went from living two miles from one another to two different counties, he never felt that far away. I’m thankful that I know Philip is safe now and will be watching over each of us every single moment of our lives.
Do I miss Philip? Without a doubt.
Did I immediately text him a picture of my tattoo even though I knew his phone would never turn on again? Absolutely.
Do I still cry at little things and have flashbacks or silly memories at the weirdest moments? More than I can count.
Am I still in shock and feel like this is all very surreal? Unfortunately so.
Am I proud of my baby cousin and filled with immeasurable joy because of his legacy? Yes. With all of my heart and soul, yes. And I can’t wait to tell him that again and again and again.
There is no doubt that losing someone I love so dearly has been devastating, but as heart broken as I am, it is hard to not smile. When I look at all that Phil accomplished in his 21 years, I am left grinning from ear to ear – just like we picture Philip doing. When I look at the number of lives he’s touched, the pouring out of love from our community, and what he will be remembered for – smiling, joy, living life to it’s fullest, protecting those he loved, sacrificing himself before others, not worrying, chasing his dreams, building lifelong friendships, and most importantly being an incredible brother, son, nephew, grandson, and baby cousin – it is hard to feel sorrowful.
Going this long without talking to him has been weird. Looking down at my foot and seeing his handwriting permanently etched into my skin has been weird. Knowing I won’t see him when I go home has been weird. And even still, I am left with joy in heart.
I was also asked recently if I was mad at God. The truth is – no. I think by now I have been through enough that I’ve learned that God is not causing the bad things to happen, but instead God is the first one to cry with us and to wipe away our tears as we endure those things that bring us grief. To be honest I’m a little mad at Philip and am going to smack him upside his head when I get to Heaven (and then hug him as tight as I can of course), but that’s a different story. I’m not mad at God, I’m thankful. I’m thankful that I am a little older than Phil which means I have known him every second of his life and have watched him grow up from my adorable baby cousin, to my annoying medium sized cousin, to my handsome and brave full size cousin. I’m thankful that I never missed the chance to tell Philip how incredibly proud I was of him and that I ended every letter, every conversation, and every visit by saying that I loved him. I’m thankful that even when we went from living two miles from one another to two different counties, he never felt that far away. I’m thankful that I know Philip is safe now and will be watching over each of us every single moment of our lives.
Do I miss Philip? Without a doubt.
Did I immediately text him a picture of my tattoo even though I knew his phone would never turn on again? Absolutely.
Do I still cry at little things and have flashbacks or silly memories at the weirdest moments? More than I can count.
Am I still in shock and feel like this is all very surreal? Unfortunately so.
Am I proud of my baby cousin and filled with immeasurable joy because of his legacy? Yes. With all of my heart and soul, yes. And I can’t wait to tell him that again and again and again.
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