If I'm being completely honest, I've been struggling more than usual for the past few days. As we get closer and closer to September 24th, my heart aches a little more over how much I miss my Grandma.
As I get closer to graduation and (hopefully!) ordination, it makes me sick to my stomach knowing my Grandma won't be there. It seems like every hymn that's sung has her voice echoing in my head and I hope I never stop hearing it. Because I have lived roughly 6 hours from home for the past 7 or so years, I've gotten used to the fact that I will go long periods of time without seeing my family but it hasn't sunk in just how much longer I have to wait to see my Grandma again. There's no other way to say it: I miss my Grandma. I miss her so incredibly much. I thought that officiating her funeral would be among the hardest things I've done, and it's definitely made it pretty high on that list, but as graduation and ordination get closer, the reality of her not being there becomes all the more apparent and dare I say, I'm almost dreading it. I toy with the idea of delaying my ordination just so I can avoid the reality that will come with it. I hope and pray that this is a delusion and my Grandma will show up at my ordination and present me with more coins than I can ever imagine as a way to supplement my Diet Coke addiction. I want her to be there more than anything but I also have to accept the reality that she won't be there. I have to accept that I've said goodbye and this time it is not because I am driving back to Fort Worth. And when those realities begin to surface, my heart feels empty. That heartache on top of the stress of my work load and academic load overwhelms me, and I long for that reassurance that my Grandma could always provide.
But then things like this happen and I'm reminded that my Grandma is always with me and as long as I remember her lessons of generosity, faith, compassion, and let's be honest, some ol' fashioned Yankee sass, she will walk with me step by step.
One if the facility managers at the shelter randomly gave me these today... I don't know what inclined him to do so, but I have a sneaking suspicion of who was behind this.
Thank you for always coming through for me Grandma. I have no words for how much I've missed you over this year and how much I miss you everyday.
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