I wasn't allowed to hold you on the day you were born. There isn't much I remember from that long ago, but I do remember that. I was told that I was too small and you were too new and I needed to wait a few days. I know this because there is a Polaroid of Chris holding you and its dated 5-20-93 whereas my Polaroid is dated 5-24-93.
Even though I couldn't hold you right away, I still remember when you were born. I remember being told that I had a new cousin (which was confusing for me even though I was at your baby shower because I was still quite young and to my knowledge, I was supposed to be the baby of the family). I remember looking at you and thinking that you were so small and looked like all of my baby dolls except you made noises and I thought THAT WAS AWESOME. I couldn't wait to hold you and play with you and I was terrified of dropping you or hurting you because you were just so fragile and so precious. You were my baby cousin.
It's 22 years later and I still feel like that. I'm mad because I can't play with you or hold you on your birthday. You're still so fragile and so precious. You're still my baby cousin. I've dreaded this day for a while to be honest. I knew it would feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and that I would miss you more than I already did which I didn't think was possible.
But then the Facebook posts started flooding in and I saw the video that Tom made... And in the video there was a clip of you laughing about something and smiling and suddenly I didn't dread this day quite as much. Instead all I could do was smile back at you. That's a lot like how I felt the day you were born. I couldn't do much but smile at you. We were both too small for me to hold you. I felt like that the day you joined the Marines too. I felt like you were too small and too fragile. I was afraid of them dropping you and you getting hurt. If I had to wait to hold you, they should have had to wait too.
Not a single day goes by that I don't look for you in everything or think of you or miss you. I thought you being in boot camp was hard because I couldn't talk to you except through letters, but this is so much more than I could have expected. I still talk to you all of the time and honestly, I feel like you talk back to me too. Not a day goes by when I'm not proud of you or that I don't thank God for your life. I just wish I could celebrate with you today.
And so here's to you my baby cousin- For the impact you left on the world, for the way you always fought your hardest, for the way the your smile lit up the room, for the way you enjoyed every second of life that you had.
Happy 22nd birthday, Philip. Thank you for (temporarily) stealing the 'baby of the family' title from me. I was so excited for your birth 22 years ago and now, 22 years later, I am so thankful and blessed for the amount of life you crammed into those 22 years. I love you with all of my heart and I can't wait to celebrate with you again. 
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