I was that odd child who knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up for pretty much my entire life. Though I can't recall the exact moment when I started displaying signs of becoming a future minister, I can pinpoint small snippets along the way. We've all heard the 'communion with stuffed animals' and 'baptizing them' ancetodes, but there have been a few that I've kept to myself for the most part.
The earliest of the two happened in April of 1998. I was in the third grade and the Louisiana Regional Assembly was being held at my home church of FCC Lake Charles, LA. During the business meeting/worship of that Saturday, I distinctly remember being in the sanctuary while singing the hymn, "Here I am Lord." As the words flowed from my mouth, I began to think this song has been written about me.
"Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart."
Though I may have not been able to articulate that I was feeling called into going where God lead me, I definitely felt it.
Another time was a few years later - probably 6th or 7th grade. I had a dream that our church had closed and when I discovered the boarded up windows, broken light bulbs, cob webs in the ceiling, and dusty pulpit, I didn't feel desolate or hopeless... Instead I felt more purposeful than ever before. I dusted off the pulpit, put in new lights, turned on the microphone, and preached. I woke up that morning still feeling purposeful and like I had this responsibility to keep the church alive.
There are few dreams I can recall as vividly as that one. In fact, that's really the only one I can think of at the moment. At a young age, I took away from those experiences two main things: I needed to go where God called and that I needed to help keep the church alive.
It's been a long time since those moments, but I still feel the same purpose. Now fast forward to May 30th, 2015 at about 12:04 am. In roughly 15 hours, I will be at my ordination service.
I've realized that not many people outside of the DOC, seminary, or other similar mainline Protestant traditions understand the extent of ordination. It's a rigorous process of deciphering one's own call into ministry while also having the seminary, region(s), and congregation(s) do the same. After several years and countless hours of study and experience, a candidate is approved for ordination. For those a little fuzzy on what exactly THAT means, a good way to think of it is that right now I am a commissioned minister & have my minister driving permit. I can drive just as long as the specific church I am with endorses me and rides in the front seat with me. The second that church jumps out of the front seat, I can no longer drive the church. Once I am ordained, I no longer need a church to be in my front seat & I can now do all of those minister things with my minister driver's license. Being ordained is an immense responsibility that requires one to go where God is calling them and to keep the church alive.
In some ways, it seems like it took forever to get here but in others it seems so quick - and not quick in like a "that flew by!" way, but quick in an "am I really ready for this..?" way.
And I think that is the secret to ministry. We are never really ready. We're terrified and excited. We're nervous and equipped. We're thick skinned and have bleeding hearts. But we are never really ready. Instead, we have faith in God to lead us, to shape us, and to use us. The moment we feel completely ready is the moment when we have stopped listening as intently to God as we had in the past. We will never be ready for what ministry throws at us, but praise God that we don't have to do it alone.
So as I sit here trying to emotionally and spiritually prepare myself for tomorrow (well today by now), I am awestruck. God has lead me here and I'm grateful to have been given the chance to follow.
Am I really ready for this...?
No.
And I pray that I never am.
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