DISCLAIMER: This post is VERY raw.
My tattoo is fading. On February 6th I got "Never Give Up" tattooed on my foot in Philip's handwriting. After all, he was the one who gave me the courage to get my other two tattoos - something that took him over a year to talk me into doing.
My tattoo is fading. I haven't written about Phil in a while and the truth is, I'm afraid to. I have so many memories of us growing up and of us becoming such close friends, but it's becoming painfully obvious that I won't be able to make any more memories and I'm afraid that if I keep writing about them, I'll run out. I don't want to say, "My last memory of Philip was..." because 1) I know that I've already talked about it and 2) I don't want it to be the last. I'm constantly surrounded by reminders that Philip is very much present and watching over me, but those are not the memories I want right now. I want the memories that begin with me saying, "YOU DID WHAT!?" or Philip saying, "C'mon Erin! Just do it already!" because that's the balance we had with one another. I want the memories that make me feel slightly cooler than I truly am and the memories that make my soul smile.
My tattoo is fading. I want to go home and see Philip except I know the next time I go home and visit him, I won't be greeted with a big hug and a, "WHAT UP COUS!" Instead, I'll be greeted with the reminder that from dust we came and to dust we shall return. There won't be laughter and tons of food. There won't be stories to share and tattoos to show. There won't be any new memories to make. I don't get to go home nearly as often as I would like and in the past that has really bothered me... but right now I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I'm able to avoid the inevitable but on the other hand, I just want to be close to Philip again. I know it'll never be the same, but I want to be close to him and for him to hear my voice and listen to my stories and take heed in my older cousin wisdom. I want him to see my fading tattoo.
Yes, right now my tattoo is fading but the love I have for my cousin is never going to change or fade and just when I think I've cried all I can or like there's no way I could ever miss him more than I already do, I look down at my fading tattoo, I see his words, and I hear his voice saying, "Never give up." So much has changed since the early morning of January 25th, 2015 and I want to tell Philip everything new in my life. I know he knows it, and I know he hears me talking to him, and I know he talks back, but what I want is for him to just smile at me and say, "Woooord" as he does that hang loose hand shakey thing that he always did. It's hard to not have him here - to not text him or call him, to not ask for his advice, to not make plans for our next trip home. I don't want to run out of memories.
My tattoo is fading but it is permanent and try as I might, Philip is not letting me give up - even when I feel like it's the only option left.
Thank you for sharing. God bless you and your cousin.
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