Emergency Contact

This one... This one is going to be hard. I've said goodbye to so many loved ones but I never thought I would say goodbye to Philip.

I can remember the very first day I met Philip. I was four years old. Aunt DeeDee and Uncle David still lived in the Duplex on Fox Run Drive. Mom and Dad sat me down on the couch and Aunt DeeDee walked over to me holding my brand new cousin who was just three days old. She placed him in my lap and positioned my arms so I could hold him just right. Phil was the first baby I ever held. I thought he was the coolest baby in the entire world and I never wanted to let go of him.

A few years later, I can distinctly remember sitting at the airport with our whole family and I'm not sure if we were waiting to pick up Grandma or for her to fly to Dallas or if Aunt Jean and Uncle Hossein were coming down or what, but at some point Philip decided he wasn't getting much attention and that the best way to start getting attention was to drop his pants (diaper included) in the middle of the airport and yell, "TA DA!!" Everyone got a good laugh and Philip got the attention he wanted.

I can vividly remember when Philip switched from going to St. Margaret's for pre-k and kindergarten and was about to start at Prien Lake. I was sitting in the library at school and in walks Philip with Aunt DeeDee and Uncle David who were getting a tour of my elementary school (to be fair, it was Uncle David's too). I was so excited and I told all my friends, "That's Philip!! That's my baby cousin!!"

When Philip was at SJ and Barbe and I was old enough to drive, Aunt DeeDee had me listed as one of his emergency contacts/approved people who could check him out of school. In hindsight that may not have been a great idea. I'm not going to say how many times I checked Philip out of school without necessarily being TOLD I could, but I will say that he still graduated so no harm no foul. Usually these "appointments" I was checking him out for were "appointments" at Cane's and I loved going to Cane's with Philip because he didn't like the sauce so I always got his instead of having to order an extra sauce. This was also right about the time that Philip was learning to drive which meant I would let him drive my car a lot... Like a whole lot... And it's okay to share that secret now too because he never got a ticket or wrecked my car which is ironic because he was with me when I got my second ticket after countless lectures of "Drive safely Phil!" "Don't speed Phil!"

One of our many adventures included the night Sonic had free root beer floats. Did you know there are like 7 Sonics within a 20 mile radius of Lake Charles? We found that out when we decided to see just how many free root beer floats we could get in a night.

Philip was my secret keeper and brought out my rebellious side - like when I was finally ready to get a tattoo or trying to break into the minister's office at my home church (long story). Did you know Philip could take a door off its hinges in less than 5 minutes?

We were always mistaken for twins even though I was 4 years older than he was. Philip was like the little brother I always wanted with the added perk of not actually being my sibling which meant we didn't live together so he couldn't steal my toys or break things like I did to my own brothers and like Mat and Regan did to him. As much as I loved Phil, I can distinctly remember being VERY mad at him one day in particular. I was five. He was turning one. He got his own cake. It was a heart shaped cake from Jo's Party House with red and black and white icing to match his 101 Dalmatian themed first birthday party. I didn't understand why he got his own cake and I figured he would share it with me but NO that little fart shoved his hands and his face in it and I was so mad! He ruined the cake and didn't even share it with me. I didn't want to talk to him for the rest of the day and I can remember crying the whole way home because he didn't share his cake.

We were always close, but we started to go from cousins to close friends right around when I left to go to TCU. I made it a point to spend a lot of time with him every time I came home (which is why he  had so many "appointments" in high school). Soon we went from goofing off to having serious conversations. As silly and as much of a partier as Philip was, he had the ability to have surprisingly deep and thoughtful conversations. As kids playing hide and go seek from Mat and Regan, I never thought Phil and I would end up having the amazing relationship that we did.

When Phil decided to become a Marine, I was terrified. I was proud of him - but terrified. To me, Phil would always be the freckle faced kid who dropped his pants in the middle of the airport. I was so proud of him for choosing the path he did and for bearing a cross I would never be strong enough to carry. While Phil was in boot camp I would write him every single week and tell him about classes, Barney, church, life... whatever I wanted to say really. Usually I would give him a lesson in Christian history because that was the class I spent the most time reading for and wanted to share what I had learned. I ended essentially every letter by being super sappy and telling him how much I loved him and how proud I was of the man he had become. I wanted to go to his graduation from boot camp so badly but was afraid to go because of how much school I would miss. I regret that. I regret that so much. I knew I would see him two weeks later at Thanksgiving which is why I was okay with it, but still, I wish I had been there. Seeing him in his dress blues was one of the most humbling and proud moments of my life. My baby cousin had grown up into such a handsome and strong man and I wanted to hold on to him for as long as I could just like I did that May morning when I first met him.

My work load and course load this year has been borderline unbearable and because of that, I wasn't sure if I could even swing going home for Thanksgiving. On the Sunday morning of the CYF Fall Retreat and two weeks before Thanksgiving, Phil called me. Phil is more of a text person so when he called, I knew it had to be important and I was scared that it could be bad news. Instead, he was calling to tell me that he was able to come home for Thanksgiving. I cheered and teared up and told him that I would be able to make it too. As soon as I knew he was coming down, that made up my mind about coming home. This would be the first time to see him in almost a year and since he had come back from his deployment. I was able to see Phil over Thanksgiving and Christmas and we were making plans as to when he would be deployed again so I could plan my ordination around when he was stateside. I never believed that our lunch at Darrell's that day would be our last "appointment."

As I sit here now, preparing to pack so I can fly home, I am at a loss. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare and I can't wake up. Philip was my twin, my Marine, my best friend, my baby cousin. Philip meant the world to me. I knew I would never be as cool or as fun as Philip, but he never saw me as the dorky cousin that I really am. We were supposed to keep growing up together. We would both get married and have children and my kids would mentor his and secretly check his kids out of school and teach them to drive and his kids would teach mine to let go and have fun. We were supposed to dance at our weddings to "We Are Family" which we had decided would be our crazy dance song. We were supposed to continue to stick together through thick and thin and to talk all of the time no matter how many hours and miles apart we were.

When my mom called me yesterday to tell me what happened, I felt like my worst nightmare had come true. I knew something bad had happened because she wanted me to wait until I was at church to call her back so I wouldn't be alone. I still can't believe that this is reality. I can't believe that I won't hug my baby cousin tomorrow when I get home or that he won't be at my ordination. As his big cousin, I feel like I'm supposed to protect him and care for him and guide him but I can't do that now. Instead, I need him to take up that cross for me. I know that baby cous will protect me, care for me, and guide me. He will be with me through thick and thin, no matter how far apart we are.

I am so proud of who Philip has grown up to become and I'm glad I told him that every chance I got. I took every chance I had to brag about him and show off his official Marine picture. He is my baby cousin - the Marine. This week is going be unbearable. I know the days after that won't be much easier, but I have faith that God will being holding our hands and wiping our tears.

Though I have shared many words, I still am at a loss for the right ones. The only ones that seem somewhat suitable come from a Jay Z song that we listened to while driving down to the beach with Mat and Regan in tow.

Forever young, I wanna live forever young

Do you really want to live forever?

Forever, Forever

Fear not when, fear not why, fear not much while we’re alive

Life is for living, not living up tight, see ya somewhere up in the sky

Fear not die, I’ll be alive for a million years

Bye bye’s are not for legends, I’m forever young, my name shall survive

Philip has gone way too soon and I still can’t believe it’s real. Philip lived his life to the fullest and like the song says, he is forever young. His name will survive. I’m sure there will be many more long posts about my baby cousin as the days roll on and on. I miss him so much already and I can’t even grasp how hard it will be to not text him all of the time or call him or hang out with him when we’re home at the same time. Philip grew up to be one of my very best friends and I just want to take him to Cane’s one more time… to KD’s one more time… to Darrell’s one more time… Maybe we should have played more soccer since apparently eating was our favorite activity. I honestly don’t think I can even look at the Barbe soccer fields or the LC Cane’s again for a long, long time. I miss you so much baby cous and I love you more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for thinking I was cool even when I wasn’t, for being my friend, keeping my secrets, teaching me so much, and for being my hero. I can’t say I love you or I’m proud of you enough and I’ll be there to welcome you home soon. I love you Philip Brice Woodson, may you rest forever in the arms of our God and know that you have blessed us far beyond measure. Never give up Baby cous, never give up.